Emotion.
Feeling and expressing our emotion – allowing for the motion in e-motion – are important parts of being human. They are necessary for many aspects of our health and wellness including forming healthy relationships, recovering from loss, exercising self control and finding true, rather than defensive, independence and resilience.
And yet, as humans, we tend to do a terrible job of this. Rather than express, we depress. Instead of making space for our feelings we will often minimise them, especially those we deem to be unacceptable, inconvenient or simply ‘bad’. And our bumper stickers extol, ‘No Fear’ not, ‘have a good cry’.
Thankfully, other mammals also experience emotion and they are frequently more emotionally honest than us humans. By observing animals we have an opportunity to learn and reflect on our own areas of struggle.
One emotion which is frequently misunderstood and mishandled is the core emotion all mammals experience when something does not work for them: frustration. I find a powerful illustration of what frustration looks like in practice whenever I observe our young border collie at Healing Hooves, Maggie, around our horses.
From an early age Maggie showed that she possessed huge instincts to chase things, including our horses. Sadly this did not work well for them or her and when I thwarted her efforts she then experienced great frustration, which further increased her desire to chase something.
Taking an insight based approach to understanding and addressing this problem provides us with parallels and opportunities to learn in other contexts, including parenting. And, spoiler alert, the answer has not been me yelling at Maggie to stop, or even natural consequences; she has been kicked, and it did not diminish to her urge to chase or the frustration she experiences when I prevent her.
Finding the way through this challenge required me to first change how I saw Maggie. If I saw Maggie as disobedient, disrespectful and defiant I was moved to punish and reprimand her. I can admit to certain days when I did just this. I would yell, scold and admonish. In the moment Maggie might cower and look sorry. And yet the next day (or moment) she would be right back chasing the horses again. It simply didn’t work, and all that yelling was not helping me develop a trusting relationship with my puppy.
Things started to change once I finally accepted that Maggie was not doing this on purpose, nor was she deliberately defying me. Her behaviour came from deep rooted instincts and drives which, in the moment, were extremely hard for her to resist, even when she did ‘know better’. Chasing was and is her way of allowing both the emotion of frustration, and the chasing instinct, to move; to be expressed.
What we see drives what we do
Yet chasing the horses was, and still is, not a good option, for Maggie or the horses. This presented a dilemma: her emotion and instinct needed to move, but the way Maggie wanted to do this is putting herself and others at risk.
This was time for realisation number two: I couldn’t expect Maggie to make the right choice in this situation; I couldn’t expect mature and responsible behaviour in the face of extreme temptation from a young dog with huge herding instincts.
We can’t expect mature behaviour from the immature
So I adjusted my expectations.
From there I realised it was my job to control the circumstances to keep everyone safe. This involved an extra low rail on the fence to keep Maggie out of the field, and lots of supervision. A huge break through came when we discovered the ‘jolly egg’, a large plastic egg shaped ball designed for herding dogs.
I soon learned and appreciated the value of always having this ball available, so whenever Maggie got the urge to chase horses, a quick reminder from me and all her chasing energy would be redirected, both keeping her and the horses safe and providing her with an amazing outlet; a place to allow her emotion space to move without causing harm.
Maggie is now four years old. There are certainly still days when I need to watch her more closely, remind her more often. But without all the yelling our relationship has strengthened, meaning she accepts redirection more readily; and as she matures she increasingly chooses the ball over the horses, even without a reminder from me.
There are so many parallels and learnings for us in this. Kids (and adults) often have big emotions that need a safe place to be expressed. Telling them to ‘cut it out’, or giving consequences for ‘bad behaviour’, rarely work in the long term, don’t recognise or address the underlying nature and source of what is happening, and often hurt your relationship.
I recommend a YES, YES, REDIRECT approach:
- YES to the validity of the emotion;
- YES to the need for it to be expressed;
- REDIRECT as needed regarding how or where that emotion is being expressed
So, instead of yelling, “Don’t shout at your sister!” or imposing a consequence on an already frustrated child, this may mean naming the emotion (“I can see you’re frustrated that … that didn’t work for you”), making space for that emotion to be expressed (“you feel like shouting right now, I get that. Sometimes I feel like shouting too when I don’t gt my own way”), and then helping the child find a safer way to express their emotion (“let’s go out in the yard and get our shouts out there.”) Often that may lead to the frustration changing to sadness and then adaptation, but that process will need to be the focus of another blog post!
This does not mean ‘anything goes’, just as I don’t let Maggie chase the horses. It is still appropriate and necessary to set limits and boundaries around what sorts of expressions work or don’t work and this will vary between individuals and situations. These boundaries, when communicated within the ‘Yes, Yes, Redirect’ approach discussed above should further help your child feel safe, like the lower fence rail I put up around the horse pastures helps keep Maggie safe. If you are controlling the circumstances, they don’t have to.
The same approach can be helpful in terms of how we allow ourselves to express our emotions. Becoming an adult certainly does not mean that everything suddenly works out for us and we always get our own way! So we too experience frustration. Minimising or stuffing our frustration, or any other emotion, may seem to work in the short term but is rarely effective or good for us in the longer term.
While I’m guessing you – or your kids – probably won’t want to chase Maggie’s yellow egg, you may benefit from new ways to let your emotions move. This may be going on a ‘mad walk’, journaling, or writing the letter you don’t send. In terms of expressing frustration the rules are simple – the expression decreases the frustration (rather than riling you up further), does not hurt you or anyone else, and does not get you in to trouble.
Living on a farm I like to kick horse poop. What works for you?
See our therapeutic story: Maggie’s Yellow Ball to explore these concepts with kids.
Shetland ponies Pickle and Teddy are tired of being chased around their field by Maggie, an energetic border collie who they believe should know better by now. They wonder why she doesn’t seem to be able, or willing, to behave. Is she bad? Or is there something wrong with her? Join Teddy, Pickle and Maggie as they learn important life lessons about frustration, empathy, emotional expression and relationships.
Love it. You are insightful and wonderful. Great points. I miss you.
Thanks Eileen!
Would be great to see you sometime!
It’s so important to acknowledge our children’s emotions! I love the yes yes redirect!
What an awesome article. I absolutely love your description of how allowing emotions to move through us instead of stuffing them down provides healthy emotional expressions. Thank you for sharing.
Another great article. I can already think of so many examples that I could use from my own horses and dogs when working with youth and families.
This story reminds me of when you tell a young child not to touch something, all they want to do is touch it. If you redirect there focus to something they can touch and play with, they quickly forget about the first item.
Redirection – something I am constantly reminded of working with young horses and raising my young daughter. Redirection is one of the ways I am able to still work while she is awake!
Redirection is becoming more evident with our dog who loves sticks. When I am training horses, he just wants to be right near me which doesn’t work well for helping the young horses focus. However, when I am able to give him a stick he can drag through the grass or mud along with us, he can feel connected to me and still have his needs met!
I often consider the ‘Yes” and the ‘Yes’ and love the concept of redirect. Redirect would solidify the validity of how one id feeling.
Maggie sounds like a busy girl who needs a job! Have you ever tried her in an agility course, or herding sheep? I bet she’d be great at that!
I can see the parallels with busy children – they need a task or redirection rather than discipline. Even as an adult I know that there’s times when I have energy built up and need to discharge it, so if I’m frustrated then exercise and movement (a task) is the best way to do this. In EFW work, that could be walking in the pen, leading a horse, lunging, rather than sitting still, talking for extended periods of time.
yes, she definitely does better when I give her a job. She used to take our chickens out for walks but she got too enthusiastic in her own redirection of them when they went the wrong way, so that had to stop! I have thought about getting sheep – they could be great therapy animals too! But for now she shadows me on everything I do, goes on lots of runs, and chases that egg!
Sheep as therapy animals, now that’s neat! I spent some time at a friend’s acreage recently and they have 6 rescue llamas. I wonder how they would be as therapy animals? Sometimes the neighbour’s dogs come over and tries to chase them but they usually hold their ground.
Eileen at Dreamcatcher near Edmonton has llamas as a part of her program. One of them is called Mr. Spitz I think
LOL that’s a perfect name for a llama!
Stamping on the ground while I walk (when no one sees me) or making loud noises or sounds (also privately) helps me
Well, I will either bake some cookies for the kids and deliver them to their houses where we sit and play some cards. If they are busy I will head out for a walk or workout.
I noticed Maggie and her yellow ball during foundation training. I will be more mindful of making space for the validation and appropriate expression of emotion with Maggie and her yellow ball in mind.
I love that you simplify the idea to the “yes” “yes” “redirect”. Such a great way to help focus how to help others.
Wow, some great wisdom in this post. This immediately makes me think of my Mom’s dog, who has a very strong instinct to chase cats. Unfortunately, both my sister and I have cats, so it can be quite a task to look after him when needed. I’ve never considered redirecting his energy, and instead rely on keeping him separated from the cats. I’m definitely going to try experimenting with redirection.
Hi Chloe – I think both approaches are important! We aim to do as much as we can to control the situation to keep Maggie (and the horses) safe, but the redirect is helpful too!
UGH… this article is a great reminder as a parent on how to address and redirect my child who has strong emotions when the first instinct is to put down a consequence. Now to redirect myself! I ask for a hug… thx again Sue for making me think! LOL
I think we all need these reminders – myself included!
Thanks, Sue. This helped me to see my younger dog’s barking more clearly. I new it was her alarm system, and we started the first part of staying calm and reassuring her. Now I am trying to think of what might help her when she is feeling these instincts that we can give her to do when she is feeling this alarm.
Again, love the learning parallels between animals and humans. So much to learn in awareness. Great reminder for Yes, Yes, Redirect.
What a great article, thank you. I need to get one of those balls for my chasing border collie – thank you. Teaching on how to move with the emotions certainly feels like where I am at with my 2-year-old son. Redirecting and acknowledging seems to be important for both humans and animals when presented with frustration.
Great story. Don’t kick the horse poop when it’s this cold out. You’ll break a toe.
good advice!
Great concepts.
I really like the “Yes, yes, redirect.” The only thing that I’ve learned with it is to be careful when validating the emotion. I’ve leaned not to name it as that can bring up counterwill (“No I’m NOT frustrated!!!) Instead, I’ll say something like “That’s not working the way you wanted it to.” I takes a little bit of practice to not always be trying to “cut it out,” as that was the way so many of us were raised, but once you do it works amazingly! Thanks for sharing this article!
yes – you definitely need to find language which facilitates you being able to come alongside and not just engage counterwill and/ or increase frustration! Knowing the words/ phrases which may be triggers for a particular person in these moments is key!
This reminds me a lot of parenting my two children. Often they can be frustrated and i need to adjust my expectations and understanding. I have also started to recognize and try to understand frustration in my animals more (my cats), and really adjust as opposed to fighting and buying into my on frustration
I agree Sue that expectations in context, are the key to clarifying what is happening. So often with teachers and parents I would stop a conversation about how inappropriate/naughty/oppositional a child was behaving, and quietly ask “Is that expectation realistic?” After pausing and thinking about it, the answer was frequently “I guess it’s not.”
Ah Sue, even though there is no horse character in this article, I think it is one of my favorites thus far!
So well articulated. I love and continually strive for the insight you applied to the “problematic” behavior; it comes from such an empathetic lens.
Just holding space for this right now and appreciation.
thanks Sara! In the full story we actually have two of the ponies reflecting on Maggie’s behaviour (each coming to different conclusions) so you get the horse pieces too! We review this in the frustration section of foundation training so it’s coming up soon!
Thanks for this great article Sue – I have, many a time, gotten this one ‘right’ and other times ‘not so right’… my favourite story about this topic is when I witnessed my eldest daughter with a younger child whom she was caring for, and the little one was upset about something my daughter had said no to… my daughter said “come here darling, I know it feels bad when you can’t get what you want, lets go sit together and read a story”… OH MY GOSH…. a great mother in the making!!! I learn so much from others; you Sue, the entire group, the animals, my children, and sometimes my greatest teacher, my husband when he drives me CRAZY! LOL!!!!
I love the warmth, invitation, and space for emotion your daughter provided in that example! Wise beyond her years!
Thank you Sue. I love how I feel like your EFW teachings and articles are teaching me how to be a better fur baby mom/trainer as well as a better parent, and hopefully in the future an EFW healer!
The empathy, understanding, and wisdom from all of you is heart-opening. Such an honour to be in this good company.
Great article. The “yes yes redirect” approach and the importance of having having empathy and validation and redirection to help regulate emotions.
yes – this can be such an important reframe for our clients and for us too! We explore this in more depth during Foundation training
Great Article. Looking forward to practicing yes, yes redirect approach. I agree that people can have big emotions and need a safe place to express them. I also think it is important no matter what age someone is that we can not expect mature behavior from the immature.
“Frozen horse poop make great hockey pucks!” This was my dad’s answer to moving his frustration. thank you for a great post Sue. The process of “yes, yes’ redirect” isn’t an easy one, but I think as we practice we get better at it and more creative.
This is a great approach. I find sometimes, as a parent and pet owner, I also need to ask myself why a certain expression of emotion doesn’t seem appropriate or acceptable to me. In Maggie’s case, it’s clear why the expression of her desire to chase isn’t appropriate – because it puts both her and the horses in danger of being hurt. However, I think there are some instances where we want to put limits on another person or animal’s expression of emotions simply because it’s uncomfortable or inconvenient for us.
One recent example from my own life is the way our 14 year old chihuahua-daschund, Charlie, responds to our new 5-month old kitten, Poplar, who is deaf. Charlie hasn’t spent much time with cats and is trying to figure out how to interact with Poplar. He wants to play or get some sort of reaction from her, but she, in all her cat-ness can be very aloof and will only interact with him on her own terms. She shows no concern or fear about Charlie’s advances, which drives Charlie nuts. He wants some sort of reaction! So, Charlie will bark at her (remember, she’s deaf!) and pretend to muzzle punch her (although he’s not actually making contact). He’s working through his emotions and trying to figure out how to be with her. Our tendency is to tell him to stop barking and stop pestering her. But why? Because it’s annoying for us to listen to. But, it’s not hurting anyone – Poplar shows no concern and often sleeps through the entire thing. If she does get annoyed, she just holds out one paw with her claws extended to warn Charlie, and he backs off. When we stop Charlie, he gets even more frustrated, but if we let him continue, he will eventually process his frustration and finally lie down beside Poplar. And each time we allow it, it takes less time for Charlie to calm himself.
I absolutely love the Yes, Yes, Redirect approach, but I also sometimes need to remind myself why I’m asking for the redirect, beyond just the fact that the way someone is expressing an emotion is inconvenient or annoying for me.
what a great example and reflection Andrea! This illustrates so well that the intent of the redirect is to move away from a behaviour that is hurting someone/ putting someone at risk towards something that does not. I like your observation that when you allow Charlie space to do this, it takes less space. That being said your personal comfort is important too!
We cannot expect mature behavior from the immature. Boy that resonates. It is something I teach my clients in a convoluted way when discussing why their abusive parents did what they did. We are moving to understanding the immaturity that produced their abusive actions rather than personalizing it. So sad that there wasn’t a mature benevolent force to redirect their abusers emotions to appropriate outlets. Love the idea that emotion needs to move and that is often the core of my work helping people discharge stuck emotion through mindful movement and action. I really enjoy the simplicity and conciseness in how you share your wisdom!!!
yes! the de personalising of this is so important, and can be a powerful reframe
So much of this article reminds me of the behavioural modification approach often taken with individuals with ADHD or autism spectrum disorder. Instead of focusing on modifying the “problem” behaviour, taking time to understand what is occurring prior to the behaviour often reveals a valid reason for the behaviour. The individual is just having a normal behaviour in response to s stimulus or situation.
I love the Yes, Yes, Redirect! Thanks!
And I have 5 5 month old Australian Shepherd that might benefit from the Jolly Egg!
This perspective shift is so refreshing and positive. I find there is so much here that is relevant for my work , parenting , and for taking care of my animals. I love the yes, yes, redirect, as it provides a healthy solution to something that might not be social acceptable/desirable, without suppressing or over-riding what might be natural .
I love how you express this jenn: “a healthy solution to something that might not be social acceptable/desirable, without suppressing or over-riding what might be natural” – well said!
“Yes, Yes, Redirect”! What a beautifully simple mantra that can facilitate so much! Thank you!
I’m glad you like it Charis – I find it a nice and easy one to remember!
Maggie sounds like such a character, and really enjoy how you have worked with her and nurtured her, instead of giving up. Really found this a challenge to be more “yes, yes, redirect”with my own children, although feel this may take some time…parenting teens I find much more challenging than dealing with dogs and horses!
Validation is an incredible tool…sometimes emotions don’t even make sense so the “yes yes redirect” makes so much sense! Great way of explaining this. Reminds me of some emotion focused counselling techniques.
Yes! I think there are many similarities here with EFT!
Teaching in special needs, I use similar approaches with the students. It is amazing how quickly you can defuse a situation by acknowledging some ones feelings. As soon as you help name the emotion they are better able to process and work through to a solution or strategy to help. We have to remember also that it is never personal, some of my students have developed extremely negative ways of trying to process or cope with big emotions. I find that the Yes, Yes, Redirect is a great way to help develop more positive and healthy strategies and coping skills.